Day 2- My Mantra

Today's yoga workout was not nearly as emotionally taxing as yesterday's turned out to be (I think I have too much on my mind in regards to work to be too introspective), but I did have a few moments to think during shavasana.

Resting there, I started wondering what my mantra should be for my yoga sessions. Now, I know this isn't necessary by any means, but one of my goals with this entire process is to learn to better control my thoughts. I once read somewhere (God only knows where) that one should select thoughts like you select clothing. Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I can try out some matras and see what fits best.

Day 1--Forgiving Myself

Hey all! The day is drawing to a close, and I can say that I have completed my yoga workout for day one. Not only was it a wonderful stretch (I did shoulders and back yoga today), but it led to some interesting thoughts.

As I rested on my yoga mat during shavasana, I began thinking about my tendency to beat myself up over my mistakes. I've realized over the past couple of weeks that when I make a prolific life mistake (and believe me, there are several) I tend to hold on tight and never let go. It seems to be my own personal way of deterring my over-all happiness. Examples of these kinds of mistakes are (and not limited to): ways I've treated my exs, ways I've treated friends, ways I've treated family, help I did not lend towards family or friends that I should have, and sacrifices I should have made. Is some of this irrational? Yes. Have the people I've committed these offenses against forgiven me? Mostly. Yet I am incapable of forgiving myself.

As a result of my lack of forgiveness, I make insane proclamations to myself. The best example of this: I am incapable/undeserving of being love by someone. Extreme? Yes. But I've also noticed I'm all about extreme (I feel like most of my friends and family can agree). Some deep thoughts for you on day one of the 100 Day Challenge, and I'm sure there will be many more to come.

One Week...

One week from today I will begin the new 100 Days of Yoga Challenge! I am crazy excited and a little bit stressed out by it. I'm stressed that I'll have a hard time sticking to it (especially with all the travel I'm doing this summer), but I keep reminding myself that I have worn nothing but dresses for the past 54 days (even when the temptation to wear pants has been intense… dresses in snowstorms suck!). If I can wake up every morning and put on a dress, then I can wake up every morning and make time for yoga.

This past week or so, I've been reflecting on my goals for this challenge. I think it will be so much more motivating to complete it if I have a set of goals keeping me in check. So, here they are!

1) Feel physically strong
2) Have a greater sense of unity between my body and my mind
3) Clear my mind
4) Learn to control my thoughts
5) Learn to not fear my own thoughts

I am SO excited to feel the benefits of 100 Days of Yoga!

The 100 Day Challenge

 Now that I am half way through the 100 Days of Dresses challenge, I've started thinking about the next challenge (for those of you who haven't seen, it's 100 days of yoga), and what goals this challenge will accomplish. Goals? you say. Were there even goals to the 100 Days of Dresses Challenge? My answer: not really. It was mostly about proving to myself that I could commit to something for 100 days (no matter how silly it seemed to other people). When I came up with the idea of 100 Days of Dresses, I didn't think the "100 Days of…" idea would be something I'd want to stick with. After all, how many things can you do for 100 days. As the list I came up with this morning shows, quiet a few:

100 Days of…
not buying new clothing
writing in a journal/blogging/any kind of writing really
not eating out (I could only do this over the summer because of work)
prayer/meditation
forgoing Facebook
reading a chapter of a book a day
reading the entire New York Times paper (or any other newspaper of your choice)
not watching TV/movies
vegetarianism
drinking nothing but water (good bye alcohol, coffee, soda, juice…)
silence (not sure how I would pull this one off… but maybe someday)

I'm sure I will come up with many more ideas in the future, but I think this is a nice list to start. If you have any other awesome ideas for "100 Day of…" challenge, please post them!

The Power of Habit

As summer gets closer I can feel the itch to indulge in the habits of my past summers--the summers where I spent days lounging by the pool, book in hand, and nights spent with friends in various houses, bars, parks, and cars. I also feel the weight of my pre-summer habits: apathy, exhaustion, and weariness. I hate to say it, but these habits have been well ingrained in my system, and I can't seem to shake them. April is the cruelest month, after all. 

Since April first came around, pre-summer habits have taken hold, and there seems to be no end in site. How to break the cycle? This has been on my mind the past week. I keep saying to myself, once the travel dies down, it'll be better. Once I'm sleeping in my bed every night, then I will get my second wind. Honestly, I think have a few positive interactions with professors this week and next would do wonders for my moral. I don't even care if they aren't using my book, just someone being nice would be helpful. Only 3 more weeks. Only 3 weeks…. 

This summer will bring its own set of troubles as far as breaking more habits. Certain people who seem to always become intricate parts of my summer life will be missing… for better or worse, I'm not sure yet. I would like to think it's for the better, ultimately. Off I go, into the flood to April to hopefully wade through to the other side where there is restoration and sleep. 

To Each Her Own Pace

I've been thinking a lot about my place in life at the moment (which is extremely stable, I might add). I've got a wonderful job. I have wonderful family and friends who support me. I have a lovely home in a fun city. Life is grand. Even though life is more stable than it has been in the past… 7 years or so, I still find myself nervous and worrying. What happens if I meet someone? What happens if I get married? What if I decide to buy a house? What if I change jobs? What if I don't find a man? I am ready for any of the above? Is anyone ever ready?

My advice to myself: Live in this moment and be happy. My second piece of advice for myself (and all my other friends who find themselves feeling the same way): Don't worry about what other people are doing. So you have friends getting married? Big deal. Friends having babies? Big deal. Live at your own pace.

You have Nothing to Lose and Everything to Gain

Today one of life's lessons snuck up on me in the midst of all the stress of the spring selling season (thanks to one of my wonderful co-workers): You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Today, I was finding myself frustrated. I didn't want to make my point for fear of offending or pressuring some professors. I just wanted them to see the value in our book without having to push them. I wanted to transfer my knowledge of the product without having to say, "Time out. Let's sit down and compare side-by side" for fear of the professor feeling like I was calling their choice stupid, or insulting them. As my coworker so gently pointed out to me: it's now or never. What I have to say can totally change the game, or if can not mean anything, so I might as well make my point and know that I'm saying everything I have to say.

This attitude needs to pour into the rest of my life in general. Perhaps a summer goal?

Favorite Songs

Clearly I've been on a music kick. Anyway, this morning while preparing for my day on campus I started thinking: "What does my favorite song say about me?" And then I realized that I couldn't really tell you my favorite song. I have favorite songs by certain artists. And, according to iTunes, I have a song that I've listened to 219 times. But when someone asks the question, I have no answer.

So I ask you, my friends, what does your favorite song say about you?

The Beat-- How Music Changes Everything

Slightly behind on my blogging this week, thankfully it isn't for lack of inspiration. It seems the selling season has really caught up with me, but it is the start of a new week (and of DST) so here we go!

Last night I had the wonderful opportunity to go see one of my favorite artists with an amazing group of friends (you all know who you are!). In the midst of all the dancing/clapping/singing/jumping I had an amazing realization: all this is because of a song. One person's passion/inspiration/pain/joy put down in chords, bars, notes, and lyrics to all culminate on this stage, in front of this audience, and all for me. I don't know why, but this struck me to my core last night. Someone else's passions fuels my own passion. It's such a wonderful, invigorating, and powerful cycle.

In tribute to the wonderful show Ben Rector put on last night, I am posting a few links to my favorite songs. He is a truly talented artist, so check him out! The songs below are my top 3 favorite in order. Enjoy!

The Beat-Ben Rector

White Dress-Ben Rector

She Is-Ben Rector

Today's Life Lesson

I am beat, and in my bed preparing for sleep, but I am determined to try and post something everyday, so here is my bit of wisdom: Civilization depends on people following interstate driving etiquette. When that goes by the wayside, things fall apart. Chew on that bit of knowledge.

Life's Little Lessons

Every day teaches me some kind of lessons. Today's lesson: If you challenge the universe, you will lose… or at least get shown up.

Feelings I Just Can't Shake

Sometimes I feel guilty for the decisions I make. Specifically, the decision to not be a teacher and to begin a career in publishing. I know a couple of days ago I was exploding with love for me job, which I still feel, but I can't squash this nagging feeling that I'm not necessarily fulfilling my purpose in life. Despite my love for my job, I never really feel like I make a difference. Don't get me wrong, Norton is a great company with fabulous products and a wonderful commitment to quality, but it's just not the same as shaping the minds of young people. I was reminded of that when I sat in on my fake-mom's junior English class. The entire time I sat there I thought about how much I loved being a substitute teacher--the feeling that every day I made a difference for someone. Now, I know I wasn't there to walk them through their educational journey, but I was talk with them, learn about their lives, bond with them, treat them like people. It was truly one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I just can't shake the feeling that I have stepped over the career I was supposed to be in. I know it's silly, but I've always felt like I was destined to make some kind of change in the world… I'm sure everyone feels that way, but I just can't see how I will do that in my current job. I suppose only time will tell.

The Quiet Thoughts of the Morning

Really this should have been writing at 4:45 this morning when I woke up, but I was busy getting ready and reading my lovely fake-sister's resume (so proud of her BTW!). As I was getting ready in the quiet of the dawn, I began to think about how the morning is when I spend the most time reflecting on my life. Along that same line, the morning is always the time when I get the most done. It's when the tasks of the future haven't quite overtaken my thoughts, and I can still focus on what is at hand (which seems to be increasingly harder). When people tell me they are late night people I am always mystified. I think if I worked late into the night I would feel like I was always living for the tasks of the future. Very silly? Yes. But my thought processes are rarely rational.

In other news, my presentation went VERY well! Heidi came in with only 10 min. to spare, but everything was perfect! The committee was so wonderful and thoughtful. While I'd like to think our book is the best, I have confidence that they are going to pick whatever will work best for them.

Also, tomorrow starts the 100 Days of Dresses Campaign! Is it really a campaign… no. It's mostly just me wanting to challenge myself by only wearing dresses for 100 days. And Liz is doing it with me! Yay!!! If you want to get invovled, you should, because it's going to be delightful!

Looking for an awesome song to start your day? This morning I was jammin' to Junior Doctor's song "Uh Oh." And when I say jammin' I mean shamelessly dancing around my kitchen/car.

Some Deep Thoughts to End Your Evening

Keeping with my theme of posting things I find thought provoking on Pintrest to the blog:

Now, on the eve of my first grown-up presentation, I must say good night. Hopefully I'll have some more time/energy to post something more thought provoking.

My Philosophy…

I saw this on Pintrest this evening and it made me smile. My life philosophy in a nutshell.

If You're Not Failing, You're Not Trying Hard Enough.

Nothing like a good quote to put your life in some kind of perspective. I've been thinking a lot about failing lately (and by lately I mean ever since I became a senior in college and the option of failure was around every corner). Now that I'm half-way through my second semester of my new job, I'm realizing that if you never fail, it means that you never really tried. This realization comes to me on the weekend before my first huge presentation to a group of potential Biology textbook adopters. I've been fretting over the option to fail for the past two weeks while making preparations. What if I don't address everyone's concerns during the meeting? What if someone has a question I can't answer? What if someone decides they don't like me? What if? What if? What if? I have realized that I need to take a step back, and remember that the option of failure only occurs when one is trying. This is a concept I failed to grasp last year when I was applying for graduate programs and was terrified of getting rejected. If I wasn't trying to get into grad schools I'd never get rejected in the first place, so at least I was trying (and for the record, I was rejected by many places, but I ended up with one of the best jobs in the world!).

In short, failure means that you tried, ideally your hardest, but you were unsuccessful. When you think about it, failing isn't the worst thing out there, the worst would be not trying at all. Something I'm going to try to remember and live by everyday!

How to Not Behave in an Airport

Every time I fly out of the STL airport I learn something new. These are some of the gems I learned from yesterday:

1) If you leave your coffee cup unattended on top of an ATM, don't got back for it and continue drinking out of it. Think of the airport as a party at a frat house: you never know who is looking to roofie you and take you home in the trunk of their car.

2) DO NOT ask the TSA agent if she can see the heart of your teddy bear with the x-ray machine. She will look at you like you are a moron, and you will have to go through the full body scan as opposed to the regular metal detector.

3) Don't scream, I love you honey and I will miss you, good luck! To someone from across the airport as the are boarding the plane. You will get dirty looks because 1) People are monsters and hate to see other's happiness 2) People are jealous that you feel comfortable screaming that at someone across an airport.

And last, but not least…

4) Want to attract the attention of the shuttle bus driver so he'll stop to pick you up? Simply take off your shirt and wave it in the air above your head. It works wonders (take it from my lack of doing this and getting passed by on several occasions).

I'm sure I'll have more wisdom to add in the future (and by future I mean later today).

"I Can Have It All, Jack!"

I love my job. I know there are times when I complain about lack of sleep/the insane amount of stress, but fundamentally, I really do love my job. I have an employer who trusts me and who deeply appreciates all the hard work I do. I work somewhere that values loyalty and team work. Where undercutting people you work with isn't the norm. Anyway, this isn't really a plug for my work, but it's leading up to the point of this post.

The other day it was brought to my attention that finding a good job and being successful isn't every woman's life priority. I suppose I knew that, but most of the woman I surround myself with are rather career oriented. They want to feel like they are contributing to the world in some way through the workplace. They want to be successful and independent. Anyway, the person I was talking to was upset by a friend's decision to ask her fiancee to move to a city with her because she had a good job and she enjoyed it. My response: did he have a job? My friend: Well, no. Me: Then why is that a problem? I would have done it in a heart beat. My friend could not understand why I would be interested in "sacrificing my relationship" for a job.

This leads me to my "Liz Lemon" moment of the day: Can't we have it all? Who's to say that the woman has to give up her job to follow the man? Why is the woman expected to "show her support" by giving up a job? Why I can't long to be fulfilled by my job and by a relationship? Why would it be out of line to ask my fiancee to move for my job? I mean, men have done that for ages and many women have chosen to support their men in these endeavors. I'd like to believe that in this century, both men and women can be supportive of each other's dreams/aspirations and support them in whatever way possible.

In short, I chose to believe that I can have it all. And I hope everyone out there can believe the same.

Counting Backwards While the Stars are Falling...

Good morning, World! I know this post is coming quite early for some, but I've had a thought on my mind all morning and all last night. Is it possible to love someone without having been in a romantic relationship? What has prompted me to ask that question you ask? Honestly, the story is too long for the time frame I have, and is frankly too pathetic to post. Nevertheless, the question remains: How is it possible to love someone if you've never been in a romantic relationship with them?

I suppose how do you even know if you love someone at all? How do you know they love you in the same way (after my last long-term relationship I realized there are several different types of love and the love I had for him was not the same kind of love he had for me). Is it necessary for two people to love each other in the same way (in my case, yes)?

Secondly, does it sound crazy that I would say I love someone that I've never been in a romantic relationship with? My answer to the last question is: Yes. Yes I think it's utterly insane that I would even think about saying such a thing, but the more I find myself thinking about it, the more I find that this might be the answer. Perhaps the English language should invent a word to portray feelings in-between like and love? Or maybe I just think I could love said person (this is more than simply liking them, but not as intense/scary as saying I love them). Or perhaps, I'm just afraid to face the horrifying and heartbreaking truth? Some thought provoking questions to start you day off right!

Also, in case you were wondering, I am writing this post music free! In fact, I've been working for the past hour without any music playing at all. Granted, I am in a Starbucks, so there is your traditional coffee shop noise in the background, but it's a start! Right?

Enjoy the Silence

If you have lived with me, or even known me for any length of time, you know one thing: I cannot stand silence. This is no exaggeration. From the time I wake up, to the time I fall asleep I am listening to something--be it music, audiobooks, or podcasts. I've never had a problem with this condition, until lately that is.

Since the start of this year I've thought a lot about silence--the value, the necessity, the benefit and the importance. Is it really necessary to have/appreciate silence in one's life? In short, I have decided that it is. Have I done anything to incorporate silence into my daily routine? No. But I want to work on that. Last night I did yoga for 20 minutes in excruciating silence. Perhaps excruciating is too strong of a word, but it was most certainly painful. Hopefully after a few more tries, this will be downgraded to a mere annoyance.

Learning how to appreciate the silence, yet another goal for this year (yes, I know Feb. is almost over and yes, I'm still concocting new year resolutions. Get on my level).

They Smell Like They Are on Fire…This is Off to a Shady Start

Sundays are for working and for learning new beauty regimens. Or at least that's what they've turned into since graduating and starting my "big girl" job.

Honestly, I was never one to care about how my hair looked or what kind of make-up I was wearing. As long as I had brushed my hair and my face looked decent, I was good to go. And then I started my job in sales. At first, I wasn't phased. Why wouldn't someone want to buy books from me? I smile. I'm sweet. I'm cool. I'm personable. I'm knowledgeable. But then, something changed. We (the new hire group) stared telling horror stories about professors making comments about their appearances. One person said a professor told her she could be cute if only she would try. One guy said a professor called him unkempt. I was horrified. Why does it matter if you look like a bit of a mess? I mean, with our job we are tromping in and out of buildings up and down campus all day long. We trudge through the heat, snow, rain, and any other kind of weather imaginable. But then I started doing research.

Through reading several articles and listening to lots of Podcasts (I know, huge dork, right?) I learned that people are more likely to buy something from someone who is attractive looking. I suppose I already knew this from working retail, but I though the rules might be slightly different in the academic realm. Boy, was I wrong. Since October I have made an effort to look nice every day I am on campus… and the occasional office days. Looking nice includes, but is not limited to: make-up, actually fixing my hair, and wearing something that passes as professional (working on that last part still).

Today's lesson: how to use hot rollers. And based off the title, I can tell you this adventure isn't off to the best start.

But My Daddy Told Me So...

Today I had the realization that I'm sure several young professional woman over the past few decades have had: I am not a desirable mate. Not me personally (of course, I am single so it could be on a person level for all I know), but as a whole. Men, typically, do not desire the strong, independent, ambitious type. I'm sure you're thinking: Duh, Haley, how did you not know this? Granted, I did know this, I just didn't realize it applied to me… until today that is.

This grand realization came about while I was visiting my local coffee establishment at which I am a regular. As I was finishing up work, one of the girls informed me a guy who works there had a huge crush on me last fall, but was too afraid to ask me out because I was "intimidating." Now, I can honestly say I wouldn't have gone on a date with him simply because I work for a publishing company and he is older than I am and works for Starbucks (think what you will, but I'm being honest here). Even though I knew I would never have gone on a date with him, I was still offended/surprised at this comment. Me? Intimidating? I am sweet. I smile. I make great small talk. I say please and thank you. I make jokes at my own expense. How could I possibly be intimidating? And then I realized: it was my job. It was the fact that I am a recent college graduate and working in an incredibly competitive industry. I live on my own, I buy my own things, pay the bills, and work my ass off. I strive to be the best. I work at least 60 hours a week. The only reason why this guy at Starbucks knows me at all is because I go there to work at least 10 hours of the week. And this leads me to my next question: isn't that when men want? Someone who is self-sufficient. Who isn't chick-batty?

This prompted me to think back to when I was little and my dad would tell me over and over the importance of relying on myself and not needing a man to support me. That I could be whatever I wanted. That men really wanted a woman who could take care of herself. So, I became/ am becoming that woman. I don't want to get married because I can't function without said man, I want to get married so I can share my life with said man.

As I sit here tonight, I toy with the idea that my father might have been wrong--that ultimately, most men don't want an ambitious, independent woman. But the more I think about, the more I don't care. I am what I am, and I'm proud of it. I've also come to realize that probably 75% of my conversations with friends is about wanting/needing/having a significant other, which, is fine… I suppose, but from now on I'm tapping out of that conversation. Would it be nice? Of course. Is there any point in talking about it constantly, over analyzing, and trying new tricks to catch a man?--for me, not anymore. Do I feel like I'm signing up to become Liz Lemon from 30 Rock? Kind of… but it'll all work out in the end, I think.

So, here's to all the successful, independent women out there. I salute you, and count myself fortunate to be in your league.