Sometimes You Just Need a Time Out...

Midway through my first semester at my new job, and I feel like I'm drowning. Now, realistically, if I step back and take a look at everything, I realize that I'm not drowning… but I can't shake the feeling. Between planning for campus visits, sampling professors books, following up from a day on campus and keeping up with the seemingly millions of emails I get every day, I feel like I have no time for myself. I mean, how can I spare a second for myself when there are always things I could be doing for my job? Always people to email, campuses to plan, etc. But tonight I realized something very important: sometimes you just need a time out. Sometimes, it's more important to put yourself first than it is to email that one professor about the new biology textbook coming out.

I suppose part of becoming an adult is realizing that you are always going to feel like there's something productive you can be doing, and taking a time out is apart of doing something productive. Now, off to do some yoga!

It's Been a Long Time Coming...

First, it has been forever since I've posted. I suppose grown-up life has gotten the best of me. Starting a new job is one of the most frustrating things I've done in my life to date. Not only do I not know what I'm doing 85% of the time, but everyone I'm customer servicing thinks I do know what I'm doing... this make for a shit-storm of problems. Luckily, I have fantastic co-workers who have been heaping me through it.

What prompted this post, you ask? Well, I've been working my tail off all morning, and I just needed a break. As I leaned back in my hammock, I thought, what do I love to do that I haven't done in a long time? That would be writing, of course. So here I am.

Today is one of those perfect pre-fall days. The sun is shining, there is a slight breeze, the temperature is just right, and Pandora is playing everything song I love in the perfect order. Things simply cannot get better, but I can't help but find myself missing some of my regular fall staples. I miss sitting on the Quad with friends doing homework and chatting about life. I miss adventures in the park late at night. I miss cooking big dinners for all my friends. I miss football games and fire pit nights and hot chocolate with roommates. Fall is my favorite season, and it seems like many of the things that make it my favorite are missing. I know that next fall things will be different. I will be accustomed to this new grown-up life. But for now I am floundering in this awkward in-between state of college student and adult.

Grown-Up Life Begins in Less than 12 Hours.

What a summer! I can hardly believe I am standing on the final page of this chapter in my life waiting to turn the page tomorrow morning and start an entirely new adventure. If you would have asked me what I was going to do with my life when I was a freshmen at Truman I would have never guess this. As a wide-eyed freshman my ambitions were tied up in marriage and becoming a teacher. But here I am, getting ready to start a new job with W.W. Norton Publishing Company and moving to a new city. So much excitement and change all at one time!

While I am incredibly excited about the new opportunities I have ahead of me, I can't help but be a but nervous about what the future holds. Specifically, I have a fear I will allow myself to become completely owned by my job and lose sight of the things that are most important to me in my life: my relationships with friends and family. I suppose the only way to find out is to dive in head first and try to stay afloat.

Musings from gate B.

It's been such a long time since I've posted and so much has happened! Here is sit in LaGuardia airport waiting to board my flight home from a huge job interview in NYC with WW Norton Publishing Co. These past three weeks have been insane!-- even dreamlike. I still feel like I will wake up at any minute and find myself in C-Hall reminding myself that I'm still a freshman in college!

 Right now I'm feeling a mix of emotions, but all of them are tinged with excitement! I never would have thought I would be in this position one month ago, heck, even 2 weeks ago! I would have never guessed, as an English major, I would land a decent job right out of college! I feel so incredibly blessed to be in this situation and hopeful for what my future has in store.

More updates to come!!

I'm Officially a Graduate...

I can't believe that four years have passed and I am standing on the other side of my college experience a graduate. It seems like only yesterday I was a wide-eyed and confused freshman wondering around campus trying desperately to fit in and make a good impression. In these past four years I have met some wonderful people who have impacted my life in ways that I could have never imagined. I have laughed with these people and cried with these people. I have experienced some of the most devastating and most joyous moments of my life with these people. And sitting here on my couch less than a week after graduating, I'm not sure how I'm going to go through the rest of my life not seeing them on a regular basis. So in honor of these special people, I would like to make some shout out in this post.

I would like to say how much I appreciated my freshman roommate, Jaime. Although we may not have been the best of friends while we were living together, she was an awesome roommate and is and awesome friend. She was there for me when my dad died and when I got sick. She threw a birthday part for me our sophomore year of college while I was in the midst of my health crisis. She loved me through my break-up with my long-time boyfriend. She watched hours of American's Next Top Model with me on Saturdays when motivation was scarce. For all these things and more I want to thank her.

I want to give a shout out to Mara. Living with you the first half of sophomore year was amazing and I don't think I could have made it without you. You made me laugh through everything, even throwing up red Jell-o every morning. You were a bright spot in my life during one of the darkest times and I am so grateful for you. I simply don't know what I would have done without you.

I want to thank my BFF. I am so happy that you are in my life. I simply don't know how I would have made it through my year at MSSU without and all our crazy antics. From facebooking in class to Friday night wine nights, we have made the best of everything. I really hope I find a job in Joplin so we can nest together and have the most amazing year ever!

I want to thank my current roommate (well, I guess not current as of two days ago... that's really depressing), Shane. He has brought love and laughter into my life all year long and I cannot thank him enough for it. At times he has caused frustration (grilled cheese down the garbage disposal, for instance) but all those minor frustrations are erased by all the love he gave me: flowers, washing the dishes, putting up with my random throwing up, and my general craziness. He reminded me how awesome it was to have a roommate and how wonderful it feels to be loved and appreciated. For these things and so many more I thank him!

I also want to thank Liz for being such a fantastic friend this year! Running around Kirksville and Truman taking names and kicking ass was pretty spectacular this year! So thanks for being my partner in crime and freaking out about: grades, grad school, Windfall, the GRE, and the future in general. I can't wait to see what the next phase in life has in store for us!

And finally, I want to thank my woman, Taylor. Girl, you have been there since 4th grade. There are absolutely no words that can describe my love for you. I suppose the best thing that describes our relationship would be our trip to Target earlier this week. I can't wait to be in your wedding and to see all the wonderful things that life will bring your way.

Once again, thank you all so much for making my college experience spectacular.

"It's funny how the more we know the less we seem to really understand..."

Today in my nonfiction reading class we had a discussion about Thoreau's "Civil Disobedience," and I was faced with a horrifying realization: knowledge has 1) made me so much more confused about issues I had once considered myself solid on and 2) I am completely and utterly annoyed by idealism.

One issue at a time:

This isn't the first time I've thought about how much knowledge complicates things. The first time I ever heard the song my post title comes from (Cold Side of the Pillow by Halfpenny Marvel) I thought long and hard about this issue. All-in-all, I'm glad I've gone to college and I'm glad I think about things so thoroughly. It's made me a better person all around, but at the same time, I am beginning to realize that I can't inform myself about every issue in the world to make the "best decision." Sometimes you just have to go with your gut on an issue, even though this is an incredibly unacceptable reason for a belief or a stance these days. So here I sit thinking about life constantly, and gaining no ground whatsoever....

For the second issue, I didn't realize how knowledge destroys idealism until this morning. I usually don't think in an idealistic way, but I wouldn't call myself a pessimistic person either. I've seen the worst in life but I still have this hope that everything will turn out well--that every thing happens to make you a better person. While many people make this statement with naivety, I make this statement out of optimism. So then I started pondering the difference between naivety, pessimism, and optimism, and this is what I've come up with (this obviously only applies to me, but I'm hopeful other people feel the same): we come into the world blissfully naive until that is destroyed by knowledge or experience, then we become pessimistic as a result of knowledge and some of us may never overcome this phase, but once you are able to push through that pessimism, you can chose to be optimistic. So that's what I'm trying to achieve: choosing to be optimistic in the face of tragedy, loss, poverty, and uncertainty.

I clearly think way too much.

Reading Classes, Cardigans, and Procrastination--Oh My!

Almost three weeks before graduation and motivation is running thin. Well, motivation for some things... like finishing the research portion of my senior sem project, or reading for Ed Roger's class (sorry Ed! You're still one of my favorite professors. Ya know what I am motivated to do? Start my postgraduate reading list, find a job, search for apartments with my BFF, or (gasp) write my last major essay for Monica (yeah I'm randomly motivated to write for that class... oh well).

So here I sit on this Monday night with a glass of milk, some classy chocolate in shorts,  a cardigan and my reading glasses checking out essays I'd like to imitate and avoiding writing a book review that's due on Wed. Senioritis, you're killing me.

The Final Visit Day

It has recently come to my attention that I have entered yet another time in my life were I can classify things with the adjective last. This is my last visit day. This is my last poetry slam. This is my last department dinner/bar crawl. This is my last meeting. This is the last event I'll ever plan for Truman. This is the last paper I'm going to write. This is my last few weeks of college.

I'm not sure why it's taken it so long to sink in. Perhaps its because there have been points in this semester where I thought it was never going to end. That I was never going to get that diploma and walk across the stage. But here we are: a month away and it's finally sunken in. It's always a strange feeling to realize that a chapter in your life is coming to a close, but with everything that ends comes a new beginning.

Time Heels All Wounds, Only Just To Open Them Again

Today I had one of those moments that actually makes you stop what you are doing to think. And not just think for 5 seconds, but really stop and think. These moments don't come around often enough for me, perhaps it's because I don't let them, but this morning I was graced with such a moment.

Yesterday I met with a professor about a paper I had written and was told I should try to get it published. As an aspiring writer, I was completely ecstatic. In fact, ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe it. I was over the moon with joy! This semester has really been a battle as far as keeping my confidence up about my writing. Anyway, I called my mom and told her. She was just as happy as I was and wanted to read it. I told my roommate. My fake sisters. A few other friends. Yet this morning, I still felt like something was missing. That there was someone important who still didn't know that great news: that maybe I could be a writer. That my hopes and dreams aren't completely extinguished. And then it hit me while I was drinking my morning coffee and re-reading my essay: I want to tell my dad.  Which is impossible, I know, but even after three years I still have the compulsion to pick up the phone and give him a ring. I want to tell him that his daughter is actually doing something with her "worthless" English degree. That I'm going to be a success. Even though I'm sure he knew all those things when he died, I want to tell him again.

Time heels all wounds, I'm sure, but every once and a while, something comes along to rip the bandaid off and you have to start all over again.

All Graduation Does Is Complicate Things

I've started this post at least a thousand times in my head, and each one I have overridden for some reason or another, so I'm just diving in. Graduation. 5 weeks. One would think that the only complication I'm experiencing is  homework, projects, or dealing with the latest night out/hangover. Of course it can't be something as simple as that, instead I sit here pondering the idea of liking a boy with only 5 weeks left in the semester. Only 5 weeks to decide if we would want to try to make it work long distance or not. 5 weeks to decide on a future. And the logical part of me just cannot justify taking the risk. There's that little voice in my ear whispering, "Love does not conquer all. Why stress yourself out?"

In the other ear I have friends informing me that this individual and I have basically been dating all year, so we might as well make it official... and in a lot of ways, I completely agree with this point. And I have the same feelings. Why can't I just suck it up and ask him? Is it even worth it at this point? I feel like I'm in 3rd grade again, but my problem can't be solved with passing a note across a desk saying: Do you like me? Check YES or NO.

Dear graduation, all you do is complicate my life.

Our Business is the Alphabet

It was nine at night and I had settled in for the evening. While jammin' out in my gym shorts and t-shirt  making a cake, I get one of those phone calls... the kind where you think... hmmm.... do I really want to put pants back on for this? Sometimes my introvert tendencies take over and I passed up wonderful opportunities to bond with my friends. During the split second I was considering this proposition, I realized, these opportunities are limited. There are only 6 weeks left in the semester. 6 weeks left of college. I'm going to graduate and possibly never see any of these people again. So I obviously said yes, and I've never been so grateful to stay up until 4 am than I was last night.

Last night was one of those perfect storms of awesome where a professor tells you that he needs you at a meeting, which turns out to be dinner and drinking, and then the whole group ends up talking until the early hours of the morning about life. It was one of those moments where I realized, Hey! This is going to be a story I tell to my kids and grandkids. I can't skip out early. Even though my body loathes me for staying up almost 24 hours, and I'm sure my first professor of the day is really going to appreciate the excuse of DDing for a drunk prof at 4 am, I'm glad I did it. These opportunities are limited in number.

So with coffee in hand, I raise a toast to the rest of senior year and say, "Let the good times roll!"

Repeat.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm the kind of person who can listen to the same song on repeat for days... and I mean DAYS. It doesn't happen all the time, but once a month or so I find a song that really speaks to me and I have to listen to it constantly until I discover some kind of answer about myself. Currently, I have been stuck on Ben Rector's song "White Dress" since last Friday. And I think I've finally found what I'm looking for about myself in the song, as well as a few observations about my compulsive listening habits.

While pondering my obsession with this song, I realized that  listening to a song as a way to facilitate change in yourself. I usually get stuck on songs that talk about an action or quality that I would like to obtain or strengthen. This song in particular is talking about how someone didn't realize how much they could love someone until they met that special person. And how they couldn't comprehend someone loving them just as much. This song really spoke to me on multiple levels: one circling back to my resolution to love without calculation. Two, I'm looking forward to the day when I find that person who I can love without any boundaries and be loved without any boundaries. Blah blah blah... so corny and girly, but it is true.

Some songs simply reflect the change we want to see in ourselves. Some people don't see music as a life changing medium. Some people's lives revolve around music. Either way, we all experience media that reflects a change we want to see in ourselves. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." So today I am challenging myself to continue to be the change. To love without calculation. To be generous. To be understanding. To be slow to anger. To love without boundaries. And just simply to show love to others. We all need a little love.

Walks in Sunshine and Wind

“We do not learn so much by our successes as we learn by failures—our own and others’. Especially if we see the failures properly corrected.”
-- Frank Lloyd Wright


I found this quote today after spending the majority of my afternoon basking in the sun out on the quad, talking to other seniors about our futures. This just reminded me to go out on a limb and try something, risk the failure and gain the experience.  

My Running Buddy

The weather was absolutely lovely today. Because of that, I felt the need to go for my first out door run of the year. I love my little neighborhood, so I decided I was going to run close to the house as opposed to a run with the lofty goal of making it to campus. Anyway, I was 50 steps away from my front door, when I spotted this adorable little boy playing on the sidewalk, I'd say he was about 5 or 6. Anyway, I smiled at him and continued on my steady jog past his apartment complex. About halfway down the street I heard the thudding of tiny feet on the pavement, and look to my left and who do I see? but that sweet little boy running to catch up with me. Once he achieves his goal, he promptly stops in the middle of the street and stares at me as I continue to run on. I look over at him and smile as I continue on my way. Soon after, I hear him running to catch up with me again, but this time he kept pace with me.

Now, this was the last thing I was expected from this kid. When I smiled and said hi to him when I first ran by he stood silently and blankly at me. Suddenly, I had a running buddy. We ran about a mile together in complete silence. Every so often I'd catch him glancing at me, making sure he was keeping excellent time and form. Eventually, he got tired and stopped after our third lap around the neighborhood, but for those 30 minutes I experienced something eye-opening, the importance of body language in every day situations.

This little boy and I never exchanged words. I said hi and was promptly ignored, yet he felt some kind of need to run by my side. When a car would drive by I would watch to make sure he shifted closer to the side of the road. Every once and a while I looked over and gave him an encouraging smile.

As odd as it is for me to admit, this is one of the purest interactions I've ever had with any single person. All he wanted to do was run with me. A moment of companionship. Something to do on a Wednesday afternoon, in the sunshine of a fresh spring day. Anyway, we weren't asking anything of each other. We weren't needing anything. We just wanted to run. Truly, one of the most eye opening experiences I've had in a long time.

"When one loves, one does not calculate."

Sorry for two posts in one day, but this was just too good to pass up.

After finishing up my essay (writer's block finally disappeared), I decided to take the evening off in every sense of the word. No social obligations, no homework, just me and my book. For my nonfiction writing class we are supposed to read a nonfiction book on Amazon's top 100. I chose the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to do homework this evening, but this book doesn't feel like homework. It's made me think about every aspect of my life and where I find happiness. It's even inspiring me to start my own set of happiness goals. Anyway, I was finishing up the chapter about money and one of her goals was to "spend out." Now, this spending out concept applies to actually spending money (buying a nice blender instead of a cheap one because you use your blender to make smoothies every day), as well as spending out love and generosity.

The last one really struck a chord with me. For most of my life, I have seen relationships in a calculated way. Since I washed the dishes for you, you should do the laundry. Since I paid for dinner last week, you should pay for dinner this week. And so on, and so on. Anyway, a couple of years ago I realized that love was not to be calculated, it was to be given freely and often. If you put love out there, you will receive love back. While I work really hard to not calculate love and generosity, there is one particular person I have a difficult time with, and that's my mom. I think if my dad was still alive I'd most likely have the same issue with him.

Anyway, reading that line tonight made me realize that I need to fully commit to this strategy. That just because someone is your mom, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, husband, or wife doesn't mean they are excluded from this rule. You can't pick and chose who you calculate love and generosity for. "When one loves, one does not calculate."

Spaghetti Tacos, Hitch-Hikers with Guitars, and Writer's Block

There's nothing like writer's block to make you want to procrastinate. Of course, all this procrastination occurs with the hopes of stumbling upon the random information your brain is looking for to break down the block and move forward. No such luck yet, but I have been chided by many professors to keep writing, even if what you're writing has nothing to do with your essay because sooner or later you're going to get through the block and finish that essay. I'll let you know if this advice is true by the end of this post.

Spring break as brought some interesting realizations to light and left me thinking about my various life paths even more than before. I spent Monday night in Grove, OK with my cousin and her children watching the Bachelor "Tell All" episode and eating spaghetti tacos. Now, I know what you are thinking, what the hell are spaghetti tacos and who came up with such a disgusting idea. I mean, I was left with these same questions upon hearing what was on the menu for dinner. As for the origins of spaghetti tacos, the only answer I was given was iCarly. Enough said there. While the combination of spaghetti nestled into a taco shell sounds terrible, I must assure you that it was quite delicious. Anyway, while I was sitting the living room with my eight year old cousin curled up in my lap telling me about her latest love interest, I couldn't help but be reminded of how much I love my family and how much I wanted my own family some day. Being 5 1/2 hours away in Kirksville has really put my love of and need for my families on perspective. I miss going to basketball and soccer games in the winter and spring. I miss random summer outings to the park or movie theater. I miss special "big girl" bonding days. I miss family BBQ's and movie nights. I miss my families.

Today as I was frantically driving to my mom's office to print off another copy of a job application I planned on turning in, I drove by a guy walking down the road, guitar in hand, singing and playing. Now, I only saw him for a few seconds, but it is an image I have been unable to erase from my mind all day. For one, what the heck was he doing?! It's 37 degrees outside and drizzling. While I still lack an understanding of why he was walking on the shoulder while playing guitar, I cannot deny that it made me smile. It's always the random things I observe throughout the day that have the most impact.

Three paragraphs later and my writer's block persists. Perhaps a reading break is in order?

The Smell of Books and Other Random Things

I've heard it said before that smell is the strongest tie to memory we have as humans. Yesterday while curled up on the couch with my book, I was overcome with the urge to smell the pages. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it still had that brand new fresh-off-the-shelves smell that can only be found in a bookstore. Instantly, I was transported back to my childhood to the day when my mom took me to the Barns and Noble store in KC. I remember the sense of awe I had while walking in the doors. The overwhelming feeling that no matter how long I lived, I could never read every single book on all those shelves. As a 22 year old about to graduate college, I wish I would have kept a list of all the books I've read since childhood. I have a fear of literary amnesia. 

Passion Reignited

Today has been one of those kinds of days when everything goes right. Today I got to spend time with some of my favorite people at Truman, and I got to do an activity I've missed since moving back to Kirksville: teach. Now, I understand a substitute teacher isn't a "real teacher" per say, but I still got to go into a school almost every day and facilitate learning. I got to see and talk to kids. And even though I was just a substitute teacher, I really felt like I had relationships with all the kids. When I go back to Joplin, I see these kids working jobs and growing up and I always think, "Hey! That was my kid!" That's one of the crazy things about being a substitute teacher, every kid in that school knows who you are and you will most likely have every kid in one of your classes. It may be silly, but being in a school every day working with students constantly reminded me that teaching was a passion, it was something I enjoyed.

Today I got to teach a lesson to my senior seminar class about cover songs as form of adaptation. Planning the lesson and doing the research reminded me of how much fun it is to teach people something. To facilitate a discussion, and learn something yourself. To engage people, no matter their age. Today I was so excited to see that almost everyone in class participated in discussion, and I'm pretty sure that's never happened.

Perhaps I will give Teach for America a shot after my year off? Who knows?

Being successful is a journey, not a destination.

This morning as I was browsing through my google reader and recent facebook posts, I found an interesting link from It Makes Me Think.com that, of course, made me think. It was a post called 60 Inconvenient Personal Development Truths, so being a soon-to-be-graduate of college and having no idea what the hell I'm going to do with my life, I decided to take a gander. The one that really struck a chord with me this morning was number 23- Being successful is a journey, not a destination. I think as college students living in a fast paced world that sometimes seems only care about how much money you make, what designer purse you have, and how big/nice your car or house is, we sometimes forget that life is a journey that lasts longer than graduating, getting a good job or going to the best graduate school. Life is about going with the flow and making the best of a bad situation. Life is challenging. Life doesn't end after graduation, or turning 30, or after getting married or having a baby and a mortgage.

Looking back on most of my senior year of college, I realize I've spent a lot of it worrying about my destination instead of being happy about where I am in this moment. And where has worrying about my destination gotten me? No where. There's nothing like having a defective stomach to put life in perspective and make one think about the purpose of living. I'm looking forward to spending my last two months of college enjoying my journey. There will be a job waiting for me at the end, and stressing about what job will not make that come any faster. The same goes for graduate schools. Millions of students have survived their journey to a post-graduate life, and I will too!

If you feel like getting inspired, check out the post: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/02/28/60-inconvenient-personal-development-truths/

"You've Got A Fast Car"

Sitting here in this Starbucks, listening to a cover of Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car and sipping on my latte, I wonder why I was in such a hurry to grow up? Maybe being in a hurry to grow up is the wrong term. Looking back at my life, I realize I didn’t really have much of a say about growing up. It feels like I woke up one day and had the responsibility of caring for another humane thrust upon my shoulders. Of course, I didn’t want to disappoint, so I just made sure my shoulders were stronger and went on my way. And in retrospect, when you’re taking care of a parent, other grown up decisions like spending the rest of you life with someone don’t seem as scary. Racing towards marriage and graduation almost seemed like a relief in a strange way. And then in one day everything completely changed. 

Now that dad is gone, the terrible relationship I was in is thousands of miles in the past and college graduation is on the horizon, I realize that I don’t want to grow up... again. I know it seems silly. I feel completely ridiculous feeling this way. I never used to be terrified of growing up. Or graduating. Of having a job and an apartment. Of finding that special someone and staring a family. Three years changes a lot. 

I enjoy my life of homework, projects, and poetry slams. I enjoy going out and dancing with friends. I enjoy knowing where I am in my life, where I will be for the next few years.  I enjoy not having a set path. I enjoy knowing that no on depends on me. I enjoy not feeling the need to couple up and get married. I enjoy having an endless amount of possibilities in front of me.

Now that college is coming to a close, I feel like that’s all slipping away. Suddenly there is an expiration date to my freedom (even though it’s really not). I feel like I’ve been racing to grow up all my life, and only after I’ve started to really enjoy where I am, it’s all going to change. It’s time to get a job, get an apartment, and start the next chapter of life. At least I know it’s going to be great.