All Graduation Does Is Complicate Things

I've started this post at least a thousand times in my head, and each one I have overridden for some reason or another, so I'm just diving in. Graduation. 5 weeks. One would think that the only complication I'm experiencing is  homework, projects, or dealing with the latest night out/hangover. Of course it can't be something as simple as that, instead I sit here pondering the idea of liking a boy with only 5 weeks left in the semester. Only 5 weeks to decide if we would want to try to make it work long distance or not. 5 weeks to decide on a future. And the logical part of me just cannot justify taking the risk. There's that little voice in my ear whispering, "Love does not conquer all. Why stress yourself out?"

In the other ear I have friends informing me that this individual and I have basically been dating all year, so we might as well make it official... and in a lot of ways, I completely agree with this point. And I have the same feelings. Why can't I just suck it up and ask him? Is it even worth it at this point? I feel like I'm in 3rd grade again, but my problem can't be solved with passing a note across a desk saying: Do you like me? Check YES or NO.

Dear graduation, all you do is complicate my life.

Our Business is the Alphabet

It was nine at night and I had settled in for the evening. While jammin' out in my gym shorts and t-shirt  making a cake, I get one of those phone calls... the kind where you think... hmmm.... do I really want to put pants back on for this? Sometimes my introvert tendencies take over and I passed up wonderful opportunities to bond with my friends. During the split second I was considering this proposition, I realized, these opportunities are limited. There are only 6 weeks left in the semester. 6 weeks left of college. I'm going to graduate and possibly never see any of these people again. So I obviously said yes, and I've never been so grateful to stay up until 4 am than I was last night.

Last night was one of those perfect storms of awesome where a professor tells you that he needs you at a meeting, which turns out to be dinner and drinking, and then the whole group ends up talking until the early hours of the morning about life. It was one of those moments where I realized, Hey! This is going to be a story I tell to my kids and grandkids. I can't skip out early. Even though my body loathes me for staying up almost 24 hours, and I'm sure my first professor of the day is really going to appreciate the excuse of DDing for a drunk prof at 4 am, I'm glad I did it. These opportunities are limited in number.

So with coffee in hand, I raise a toast to the rest of senior year and say, "Let the good times roll!"

Repeat.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm the kind of person who can listen to the same song on repeat for days... and I mean DAYS. It doesn't happen all the time, but once a month or so I find a song that really speaks to me and I have to listen to it constantly until I discover some kind of answer about myself. Currently, I have been stuck on Ben Rector's song "White Dress" since last Friday. And I think I've finally found what I'm looking for about myself in the song, as well as a few observations about my compulsive listening habits.

While pondering my obsession with this song, I realized that  listening to a song as a way to facilitate change in yourself. I usually get stuck on songs that talk about an action or quality that I would like to obtain or strengthen. This song in particular is talking about how someone didn't realize how much they could love someone until they met that special person. And how they couldn't comprehend someone loving them just as much. This song really spoke to me on multiple levels: one circling back to my resolution to love without calculation. Two, I'm looking forward to the day when I find that person who I can love without any boundaries and be loved without any boundaries. Blah blah blah... so corny and girly, but it is true.

Some songs simply reflect the change we want to see in ourselves. Some people don't see music as a life changing medium. Some people's lives revolve around music. Either way, we all experience media that reflects a change we want to see in ourselves. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." So today I am challenging myself to continue to be the change. To love without calculation. To be generous. To be understanding. To be slow to anger. To love without boundaries. And just simply to show love to others. We all need a little love.

Walks in Sunshine and Wind

“We do not learn so much by our successes as we learn by failures—our own and others’. Especially if we see the failures properly corrected.”
-- Frank Lloyd Wright


I found this quote today after spending the majority of my afternoon basking in the sun out on the quad, talking to other seniors about our futures. This just reminded me to go out on a limb and try something, risk the failure and gain the experience.  

My Running Buddy

The weather was absolutely lovely today. Because of that, I felt the need to go for my first out door run of the year. I love my little neighborhood, so I decided I was going to run close to the house as opposed to a run with the lofty goal of making it to campus. Anyway, I was 50 steps away from my front door, when I spotted this adorable little boy playing on the sidewalk, I'd say he was about 5 or 6. Anyway, I smiled at him and continued on my steady jog past his apartment complex. About halfway down the street I heard the thudding of tiny feet on the pavement, and look to my left and who do I see? but that sweet little boy running to catch up with me. Once he achieves his goal, he promptly stops in the middle of the street and stares at me as I continue to run on. I look over at him and smile as I continue on my way. Soon after, I hear him running to catch up with me again, but this time he kept pace with me.

Now, this was the last thing I was expected from this kid. When I smiled and said hi to him when I first ran by he stood silently and blankly at me. Suddenly, I had a running buddy. We ran about a mile together in complete silence. Every so often I'd catch him glancing at me, making sure he was keeping excellent time and form. Eventually, he got tired and stopped after our third lap around the neighborhood, but for those 30 minutes I experienced something eye-opening, the importance of body language in every day situations.

This little boy and I never exchanged words. I said hi and was promptly ignored, yet he felt some kind of need to run by my side. When a car would drive by I would watch to make sure he shifted closer to the side of the road. Every once and a while I looked over and gave him an encouraging smile.

As odd as it is for me to admit, this is one of the purest interactions I've ever had with any single person. All he wanted to do was run with me. A moment of companionship. Something to do on a Wednesday afternoon, in the sunshine of a fresh spring day. Anyway, we weren't asking anything of each other. We weren't needing anything. We just wanted to run. Truly, one of the most eye opening experiences I've had in a long time.

"When one loves, one does not calculate."

Sorry for two posts in one day, but this was just too good to pass up.

After finishing up my essay (writer's block finally disappeared), I decided to take the evening off in every sense of the word. No social obligations, no homework, just me and my book. For my nonfiction writing class we are supposed to read a nonfiction book on Amazon's top 100. I chose the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to do homework this evening, but this book doesn't feel like homework. It's made me think about every aspect of my life and where I find happiness. It's even inspiring me to start my own set of happiness goals. Anyway, I was finishing up the chapter about money and one of her goals was to "spend out." Now, this spending out concept applies to actually spending money (buying a nice blender instead of a cheap one because you use your blender to make smoothies every day), as well as spending out love and generosity.

The last one really struck a chord with me. For most of my life, I have seen relationships in a calculated way. Since I washed the dishes for you, you should do the laundry. Since I paid for dinner last week, you should pay for dinner this week. And so on, and so on. Anyway, a couple of years ago I realized that love was not to be calculated, it was to be given freely and often. If you put love out there, you will receive love back. While I work really hard to not calculate love and generosity, there is one particular person I have a difficult time with, and that's my mom. I think if my dad was still alive I'd most likely have the same issue with him.

Anyway, reading that line tonight made me realize that I need to fully commit to this strategy. That just because someone is your mom, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, husband, or wife doesn't mean they are excluded from this rule. You can't pick and chose who you calculate love and generosity for. "When one loves, one does not calculate."

Spaghetti Tacos, Hitch-Hikers with Guitars, and Writer's Block

There's nothing like writer's block to make you want to procrastinate. Of course, all this procrastination occurs with the hopes of stumbling upon the random information your brain is looking for to break down the block and move forward. No such luck yet, but I have been chided by many professors to keep writing, even if what you're writing has nothing to do with your essay because sooner or later you're going to get through the block and finish that essay. I'll let you know if this advice is true by the end of this post.

Spring break as brought some interesting realizations to light and left me thinking about my various life paths even more than before. I spent Monday night in Grove, OK with my cousin and her children watching the Bachelor "Tell All" episode and eating spaghetti tacos. Now, I know what you are thinking, what the hell are spaghetti tacos and who came up with such a disgusting idea. I mean, I was left with these same questions upon hearing what was on the menu for dinner. As for the origins of spaghetti tacos, the only answer I was given was iCarly. Enough said there. While the combination of spaghetti nestled into a taco shell sounds terrible, I must assure you that it was quite delicious. Anyway, while I was sitting the living room with my eight year old cousin curled up in my lap telling me about her latest love interest, I couldn't help but be reminded of how much I love my family and how much I wanted my own family some day. Being 5 1/2 hours away in Kirksville has really put my love of and need for my families on perspective. I miss going to basketball and soccer games in the winter and spring. I miss random summer outings to the park or movie theater. I miss special "big girl" bonding days. I miss family BBQ's and movie nights. I miss my families.

Today as I was frantically driving to my mom's office to print off another copy of a job application I planned on turning in, I drove by a guy walking down the road, guitar in hand, singing and playing. Now, I only saw him for a few seconds, but it is an image I have been unable to erase from my mind all day. For one, what the heck was he doing?! It's 37 degrees outside and drizzling. While I still lack an understanding of why he was walking on the shoulder while playing guitar, I cannot deny that it made me smile. It's always the random things I observe throughout the day that have the most impact.

Three paragraphs later and my writer's block persists. Perhaps a reading break is in order?

The Smell of Books and Other Random Things

I've heard it said before that smell is the strongest tie to memory we have as humans. Yesterday while curled up on the couch with my book, I was overcome with the urge to smell the pages. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it still had that brand new fresh-off-the-shelves smell that can only be found in a bookstore. Instantly, I was transported back to my childhood to the day when my mom took me to the Barns and Noble store in KC. I remember the sense of awe I had while walking in the doors. The overwhelming feeling that no matter how long I lived, I could never read every single book on all those shelves. As a 22 year old about to graduate college, I wish I would have kept a list of all the books I've read since childhood. I have a fear of literary amnesia. 

Passion Reignited

Today has been one of those kinds of days when everything goes right. Today I got to spend time with some of my favorite people at Truman, and I got to do an activity I've missed since moving back to Kirksville: teach. Now, I understand a substitute teacher isn't a "real teacher" per say, but I still got to go into a school almost every day and facilitate learning. I got to see and talk to kids. And even though I was just a substitute teacher, I really felt like I had relationships with all the kids. When I go back to Joplin, I see these kids working jobs and growing up and I always think, "Hey! That was my kid!" That's one of the crazy things about being a substitute teacher, every kid in that school knows who you are and you will most likely have every kid in one of your classes. It may be silly, but being in a school every day working with students constantly reminded me that teaching was a passion, it was something I enjoyed.

Today I got to teach a lesson to my senior seminar class about cover songs as form of adaptation. Planning the lesson and doing the research reminded me of how much fun it is to teach people something. To facilitate a discussion, and learn something yourself. To engage people, no matter their age. Today I was so excited to see that almost everyone in class participated in discussion, and I'm pretty sure that's never happened.

Perhaps I will give Teach for America a shot after my year off? Who knows?