I always look at life as teacher, and right now life is in the process of teaching me (and several people I am close to) some painful lessons. Yet, in the midst of all this pain, I know I am being prepared for something far greater than I could ever expect or imagine. At least, that's how I choose to look at it. I know there are people who are put off by my enduring optimism, but I've lived the other options, and optimism is frankly the only one that makes sense.
I was recently struck by a quote by Lao Lzu--
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…"
This couldn't be more true. Whether you've lost your love, a family member, or a pregnancy, I believe this heartbreaking endings are the start of something new. This is not to say that I don't lose site of this idea often--heartbreak is an unruly emotion-- but I always find myself coming back to it.
One positive note, I am consistently able to see my resilient spirit through this pain. Sometimes life has to remind me of how far I've come, of the battles I've won, the pain I've conquered-- all of which is far greater than this-- and then say "See? It's all for the better." This is not to say that it didn't hurt, or that it doesn't hurt, or that it shouldn't hurt-- sadness is a natural emotion, even though it's unpleasant-- but that on the other side of that pain you find you learned something new, you conquered a battle, and you are ready for bigger and greater things.
The last quote I'll leave you with has also struck a chord with my heart during this tumultuous time:
"Attitude is the little thing that makes all the difference."
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
5 Years Later….
I find myself sitting in Joplin nearly 5 years after my dad's death, but instead of going out to his grave, like I try to do each year, I've decided to keep my memory lighter. I've been looking for a way to get back into blogging this week, and nothing seemed more perfect than for me to write a letter to him about how my life has changed. Here goes nothing…
Dad,
I blinked, and it's been five years, at least, that's how it seems from this perspective. I know it's been a journey-- a hard journey. Sitting here trying to write this and trying to think of what to say, I feel like I can relieve every minute of it-- every heartbreak, triumph, breakthrough, and success. And yet, I struggle with what to say.
Your little girl grew up. She's no longer the scared and heartbroken teenager you said goodbye to in that hospital room 5 years ago. She's grown up into a strong, beautiful, confident woman. She's got a job, she lives in a city, she travels just like you always wanted her to. She smiles and laughs every day. She hopes that she brings the same joy to those in her life that you were able to bring her each day. She tries not to take things to seriously, just like you always said. She still curls up to read at night, even though she doesn't have your lap to sit in. She still sings and loves music and every day thinks of how she used to dance with you in the living room before getting on the bus for school. She tries not to cry as much when she misses you.
She still looks up to you. Even in your absence, your memory and your spirit teach her new things everyday. She learned not to harbor hatred and bitterness. She learned to always appreciate the ones you love, because you never know when they will be gone. She learned that being miserable is no way to live-- that you've got to make the best out of all situations life leaves at your door. She learned that you only have one life and that in the end, when you are lying in your hospital bed, you want to remember all the wonderful things you did and said--the wonderful ways you loved and were loved. Thank you for letting her learn from your mistakes.
She has a tattoo now… actually, she has three. The first for you. She hopes you can understand. She has long, blonde hair again--just like your vanilla haired baby should. She hopes you can see. Sometimes, she still picks up the phone to call you with good news. It breaks her heart every time. She misses you every day.
Your little girl has learned to love far beyond any capacity she could ever have dreamed. She's blessed to have the gift of vulnerability and of understanding. She hopes that others can learn from her pain and her triumph, just as she has from yours. She is strong. She still seeks to learn from others and their experiences. She is thirsty for knowledge. She hopes one day she can be as wise as you were.
I am blessed to have had you as a father for 19 years. Even though it wasn't perfect, and you weren't perfect, I always felt loved. I always felt important. I always felt beautiful. For that, I will always be eternally grateful. I hope you are proud.
-Your Little Girl
Dad,
I blinked, and it's been five years, at least, that's how it seems from this perspective. I know it's been a journey-- a hard journey. Sitting here trying to write this and trying to think of what to say, I feel like I can relieve every minute of it-- every heartbreak, triumph, breakthrough, and success. And yet, I struggle with what to say.
Your little girl grew up. She's no longer the scared and heartbroken teenager you said goodbye to in that hospital room 5 years ago. She's grown up into a strong, beautiful, confident woman. She's got a job, she lives in a city, she travels just like you always wanted her to. She smiles and laughs every day. She hopes that she brings the same joy to those in her life that you were able to bring her each day. She tries not to take things to seriously, just like you always said. She still curls up to read at night, even though she doesn't have your lap to sit in. She still sings and loves music and every day thinks of how she used to dance with you in the living room before getting on the bus for school. She tries not to cry as much when she misses you.
She still looks up to you. Even in your absence, your memory and your spirit teach her new things everyday. She learned not to harbor hatred and bitterness. She learned to always appreciate the ones you love, because you never know when they will be gone. She learned that being miserable is no way to live-- that you've got to make the best out of all situations life leaves at your door. She learned that you only have one life and that in the end, when you are lying in your hospital bed, you want to remember all the wonderful things you did and said--the wonderful ways you loved and were loved. Thank you for letting her learn from your mistakes.
She has a tattoo now… actually, she has three. The first for you. She hopes you can understand. She has long, blonde hair again--just like your vanilla haired baby should. She hopes you can see. Sometimes, she still picks up the phone to call you with good news. It breaks her heart every time. She misses you every day.
Your little girl has learned to love far beyond any capacity she could ever have dreamed. She's blessed to have the gift of vulnerability and of understanding. She hopes that others can learn from her pain and her triumph, just as she has from yours. She is strong. She still seeks to learn from others and their experiences. She is thirsty for knowledge. She hopes one day she can be as wise as you were.
I am blessed to have had you as a father for 19 years. Even though it wasn't perfect, and you weren't perfect, I always felt loved. I always felt important. I always felt beautiful. For that, I will always be eternally grateful. I hope you are proud.
-Your Little Girl
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Day 2- My Mantra
Today's yoga workout was not nearly as emotionally taxing as yesterday's turned out to be (I think I have too much on my mind in regards to work to be too introspective), but I did have a few moments to think during shavasana.
Resting there, I started wondering what my mantra should be for my yoga sessions. Now, I know this isn't necessary by any means, but one of my goals with this entire process is to learn to better control my thoughts. I once read somewhere (God only knows where) that one should select thoughts like you select clothing. Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I can try out some matras and see what fits best.
Resting there, I started wondering what my mantra should be for my yoga sessions. Now, I know this isn't necessary by any means, but one of my goals with this entire process is to learn to better control my thoughts. I once read somewhere (God only knows where) that one should select thoughts like you select clothing. Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I can try out some matras and see what fits best.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Day 1--Forgiving Myself
Hey all! The day is drawing to a close, and I can say that I have completed my yoga workout for day one. Not only was it a wonderful stretch (I did shoulders and back yoga today), but it led to some interesting thoughts.
As I rested on my yoga mat during shavasana, I began thinking about my tendency to beat myself up over my mistakes. I've realized over the past couple of weeks that when I make a prolific life mistake (and believe me, there are several) I tend to hold on tight and never let go. It seems to be my own personal way of deterring my over-all happiness. Examples of these kinds of mistakes are (and not limited to): ways I've treated my exs, ways I've treated friends, ways I've treated family, help I did not lend towards family or friends that I should have, and sacrifices I should have made. Is some of this irrational? Yes. Have the people I've committed these offenses against forgiven me? Mostly. Yet I am incapable of forgiving myself.
As a result of my lack of forgiveness, I make insane proclamations to myself. The best example of this: I am incapable/undeserving of being love by someone. Extreme? Yes. But I've also noticed I'm all about extreme (I feel like most of my friends and family can agree). Some deep thoughts for you on day one of the 100 Day Challenge, and I'm sure there will be many more to come.
As I rested on my yoga mat during shavasana, I began thinking about my tendency to beat myself up over my mistakes. I've realized over the past couple of weeks that when I make a prolific life mistake (and believe me, there are several) I tend to hold on tight and never let go. It seems to be my own personal way of deterring my over-all happiness. Examples of these kinds of mistakes are (and not limited to): ways I've treated my exs, ways I've treated friends, ways I've treated family, help I did not lend towards family or friends that I should have, and sacrifices I should have made. Is some of this irrational? Yes. Have the people I've committed these offenses against forgiven me? Mostly. Yet I am incapable of forgiving myself.
As a result of my lack of forgiveness, I make insane proclamations to myself. The best example of this: I am incapable/undeserving of being love by someone. Extreme? Yes. But I've also noticed I'm all about extreme (I feel like most of my friends and family can agree). Some deep thoughts for you on day one of the 100 Day Challenge, and I'm sure there will be many more to come.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
One Week...
One week from today I will begin the new 100 Days of Yoga Challenge! I am crazy excited and a little bit stressed out by it. I'm stressed that I'll have a hard time sticking to it (especially with all the travel I'm doing this summer), but I keep reminding myself that I have worn nothing but dresses for the past 54 days (even when the temptation to wear pants has been intense… dresses in snowstorms suck!). If I can wake up every morning and put on a dress, then I can wake up every morning and make time for yoga.
This past week or so, I've been reflecting on my goals for this challenge. I think it will be so much more motivating to complete it if I have a set of goals keeping me in check. So, here they are!
1) Feel physically strong
2) Have a greater sense of unity between my body and my mind
3) Clear my mind
4) Learn to control my thoughts
5) Learn to not fear my own thoughts
I am SO excited to feel the benefits of 100 Days of Yoga!
This past week or so, I've been reflecting on my goals for this challenge. I think it will be so much more motivating to complete it if I have a set of goals keeping me in check. So, here they are!
1) Feel physically strong
2) Have a greater sense of unity between my body and my mind
3) Clear my mind
4) Learn to control my thoughts
5) Learn to not fear my own thoughts
I am SO excited to feel the benefits of 100 Days of Yoga!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The 100 Day Challenge
Now that I am half way through the 100 Days of Dresses challenge, I've started thinking about the next challenge (for those of you who haven't seen, it's 100 days of yoga), and what goals this challenge will accomplish. Goals? you say. Were there even goals to the 100 Days of Dresses Challenge? My answer: not really. It was mostly about proving to myself that I could commit to something for 100 days (no matter how silly it seemed to other people). When I came up with the idea of 100 Days of Dresses, I didn't think the "100 Days of…" idea would be something I'd want to stick with. After all, how many things can you do for 100 days. As the list I came up with this morning shows, quiet a few:
100 Days of…
not buying new clothing
writing in a journal/blogging/any kind of writing really
not eating out (I could only do this over the summer because of work)
prayer/meditation
forgoing Facebook
reading a chapter of a book a day
reading the entire New York Times paper (or any other newspaper of your choice)
not watching TV/movies
vegetarianism
drinking nothing but water (good bye alcohol, coffee, soda, juice…)
silence (not sure how I would pull this one off… but maybe someday)
I'm sure I will come up with many more ideas in the future, but I think this is a nice list to start. If you have any other awesome ideas for "100 Day of…" challenge, please post them!
100 Days of…
not buying new clothing
writing in a journal/blogging/any kind of writing really
not eating out (I could only do this over the summer because of work)
prayer/meditation
forgoing Facebook
reading a chapter of a book a day
reading the entire New York Times paper (or any other newspaper of your choice)
not watching TV/movies
vegetarianism
drinking nothing but water (good bye alcohol, coffee, soda, juice…)
silence (not sure how I would pull this one off… but maybe someday)
I'm sure I will come up with many more ideas in the future, but I think this is a nice list to start. If you have any other awesome ideas for "100 Day of…" challenge, please post them!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The Power of Habit
As summer gets closer I can feel the itch to indulge in the habits of my past summers--the summers where I spent days lounging by the pool, book in hand, and nights spent with friends in various houses, bars, parks, and cars. I also feel the weight of my pre-summer habits: apathy, exhaustion, and weariness. I hate to say it, but these habits have been well ingrained in my system, and I can't seem to shake them. April is the cruelest month, after all.
Since April first came around, pre-summer habits have taken hold, and there seems to be no end in site. How to break the cycle? This has been on my mind the past week. I keep saying to myself, once the travel dies down, it'll be better. Once I'm sleeping in my bed every night, then I will get my second wind. Honestly, I think have a few positive interactions with professors this week and next would do wonders for my moral. I don't even care if they aren't using my book, just someone being nice would be helpful. Only 3 more weeks. Only 3 weeks….
This summer will bring its own set of troubles as far as breaking more habits. Certain people who seem to always become intricate parts of my summer life will be missing… for better or worse, I'm not sure yet. I would like to think it's for the better, ultimately. Off I go, into the flood to April to hopefully wade through to the other side where there is restoration and sleep.
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